Thalia @ Pictures in the Words

I don't know how to talk about any of these without getting personal. More personal than I think I've ever been out here in the public, so...yeah. I'm putting this under a read more break, so only people who really want to can wallow in my drama.

How I Lost You: I used to have two best friends, and the three of us were inseparable. When the one I trusted more told me I wasn't normal enough for her anymore and left me, I was kind of devastated. And I let it hurt me more than I should have. When I saw the title of this, and read the little baby synopsis way back before it even had a cover, I knew I needed to read it. But when I did get an ARC and had the chance to read it...it didn't fit that situation at all. Instead, it fit how I feel about the other best friend--the one who emotionally abused me throughout the years. She treated me like dirt more than half the time, and for the rest, she would fawn over me like I was the greatest thing in the world. She told me I saved her life, and then would tell me she wouldn't care if I died. And I protected her whenever anybody tried to say anything bad about her. I took care of her like Grace took care of Kya. And I finally felt like a character understood that, that emotional abuse, because Grace was going through the same thing. My friend didn't have an excuse for the way she acted, like Kya sort of did. There wasn't a reason for why she treated me the way she did all those years. But that book, and that character, helped me realize how to still love her for what we'd had and for the good times, but how to also take myself out of the path of destruction, in order to stop being hurt by her. I got to a point where I was afraid of being alone with her because she would berate me for existing. I would have nightmares where she would beat me up and I'd wake up feeling sore. That all sounds very melodramatic, but...I don't like recalling most of my high school experience. It was a nightmare in a lot of ways. And I was so thankful for Grace's character, because at least I knew I wasn't alone.

Thirteen Reasons Why: I'm not going to snap on your guys and say I related to Hannah, although in some ways I almost did. But I related to Clay the most here. I've talked about this in reviews and posts before, but about a year and a half ago, one of my friends committed suicide. And it was absolutely the most devastating thing I think I've ever lived through. But I kept feeling so guilty about mourning her so violently, because the group of people she was truly close with, her best friends, seemed to be holding up way better than I was. I remember sitting in my chemistry class the day after we found out (we found out on a snow day--which is one of those great blessings in life), and just...sobbing. And they all huddled together, smiling and talking about her and her life. And ever since then, every time I think about it and break down because I still miss her so much, I feel like I have no right to--I wasn't the one who suffered the most. I wasn't even close to her. And maybe I feel so bad about that because that same girl who said I wasn't good enough for her anymore was her best friend--the girl who killed herself was the new best friend of my ex-best friend, and that added to my guilt. But Clay...Clay made me realize it was okay. That it's okay to mourn and love someone, even if you weren't their best friend. It's okay to miss them with a terrible ache. That nobody should feel bad about missing someone when they're gone, no matter what. Reading this book took a huge weight off of me, and although sometimes I can't stop myself from feeling bad about bursting into tears at random times, but I know in my heart now that it's okay.

New Moon: I've talked a lot about this book during these challenges, I know. But it was really important to me when I reread it, after I'd already endured most of my hard time. I was in a really bad place right before we lost Dana (that was the girl who died), and I had no idea how there would ever be a way out of it all. It was a dark place, and there are a lot of little things, little memories, that I have to stay away from entirely just to not fall back into that--one of the many reasons I threw myself into reviewing the way I did. When I remembered reading this book, I remember hating it. Way back in the seventh grade when life still felt good, I couldn't stand this book. I hated everyone and everything in it. But when I reread it earlier this year, after...well, everything, it meant so much more to me. I used to think Bella was weak because she fell apart when Edward left her. But now I only wish I had been that strong. Bella represents all the pain I felt when the one person I thought would always loved me suddenly didn't anymore. The way Edward didn't warn her, and the way it all happened so quickly and suddenly was the way it happened to me. And it's different because Bella and Edward were "in love" and I'd just lost someone who was like a sister to me, but the pain felt the same. Looking back, I feel so ashamed of the way I handled things. I feel so stupid for letting the way one person treated me take me to that dark place. And I felt worse when I had an online friend tell me it was a stupid thing to feel so bad about, because people suffer much worse. And I just...stopped. Stopped trying, stopped eating, stopped going places, stopped seeing people, stopped living. All the things I wanted to do, and plans I'd made and dreams I had for high school just...passed me by. And I was okay with it. I wouldn't go places that she might be. I'd skip school when I thought it would hurt too much to see her. I made a mess of my life, and I'm really lucky I was able to fix it. Bella...Bella may not be a real person, but she was a role model to me. After Dana died and I realized that life is too precious to let go to waste or pass you by, I started trying again. And when I read this book, and I realized that it was the same, I followed Bella's example. I started living, I started trying again. Bella gave me an outline, something to follow so I might not get lost again. And in a lot of ways, this book and Bella's character helped me realize that it's okay to feel torn up when someone you love leaves you for something better. It's okay to hurt and be scared and feel like you can't deal with it. But the important thing is that you do deal with it, no matter what. You can let it hurt and you can feel the pain, as long as you live through it. And then suddenly...you're strong enough to bear it. That's why I'm so fiercly protective of Bella and her character and this book. It tears me up to see how many people trash Bella in this book when she helped me in so many ways. And maybe that's all melodramatic, too, but it's true.

Wow, so...there it all is. I don't like talking about bad stuff when I'm blogging because reading and writing reviews and having the people here...it's my sanctuary. It's the one thing in my life completely unconnected to everything in the past. But...I don't know. I don't know what to say now. Just that I'm really impressed with (and thankful to) you if you managed to read all that and still think I'm a relatively normal human being.